Forgiveness

Have you ever listened to a song and have it make you rethink a lot of your life? Give you more than just food for thought? Or make you say, hmmm...

I should start off with where I was first moved by a song. Last August, I attended the MOPS, Mothers of Preschoolers conference in Texas. I was there introduced to an artist named Matthew West. He performed one of the evenings we were there. Before this night, I'd never really heard of him so I was interested in hearing him. He sang a song from his upcoming album called Forgiveness. From the moment I heard this song, I felt something burning inside of me.

For many years, I have been harbouring some resentment, anger and sadness to certain people and situations in my life. For years, it felt like an ugly backpack on my back and carrying this awful load was exhausting. Everytime I felt as if I was free from these burdens, I'd remember what occurred and what was taken and like a rainfall over me, it quickly returned. I hated it.

For years, I held on to the pain that my father and his alcoholism caused me. I longed for the father I knew he could be and grieved for the childhood I lost out on. Many times I blamed myself for his behavior and took on a lot of the abuse to shelter my younger sister. I needed to be strong for her so she didn't have to feel the pain I experienced. Then there were the years we didn't speak. My father, unaware of my life, marriage and even birth of my daughter because of his habits. Even through all that, I wanted my father in my life.

Secondly there is someone else from my teenaged years that took something that I could never get back. He came and went like the blow of the breeze and made me different; changed the core of who I was. I will not go into much detail because its not needed and quite frankly, I don't want to highlight him because he doesn't deserve it.

These burdens, although weren't always on the fore front of my mind, still were on my heart. Then I heard in the song, "show me how to love the unloveable". They were definitely unloveable. "It's hardest thing to give away, the last thing on your mind today and it always goes to those who don't deserve it". Yes I will agree with that wholeheartedly. 100%. It was as if Matthew West was signing this song directly to me in a room of hundreds of women. Like no one else was there and he was saying, Katie, forgiveness is what you need to be set free.

This year, I did that. I made it my mission in some sorts. I forgave my Dad. It was the hardest and easiest thing to do. I cannot fix his addiction but I can forgive him for it. Forgiveness has made us closer and have an understanding for him. I also, in my heart, forgave the other person. Forgiveness doesn't mean I forget, but means I let it go.

I will love the unloveable; I will reach the unreachable; I will do the impossible, forgiveness.

I have never felt more free. I am no longer carrying that backpack. I am a better friend, wife, sister, daughter and mother because of it. Freeing yourself of negativity opens your eyes to all the beauty that this world has to offer. It's quite amazing..

Do you tell your real age?

A few days ago, I read this article on babble.com that got me thinking. It was called, Do You Tell Your Real Age? It got me thinking and my "hamster wheel" in my head going as well. This woman had 2 young children, 4 and 1, a business and a husband. She was also 23. She didn't like to tell her real age because people would assume things, based off that number. Her business was thriving and her beautiful home was too but still that was her one insecurity....her "young" age.

Got me thinking that like her, I am insecure about my age as well. I am 27. Got married at 21. Had my first child at 23, second by 25. By numbers standards, I am young, however, I do not feel my age. I have lived in 2 different countries, 2 (almost 3) different states and traveled a lot. Finished college and have a wonderful home, in which I take care of. Still, for whatever reason, my biggest thing that I am insecure about is my age. <There I said it...>

I often think about how people portray me when I am out with my children. (I will make a side note that I usually do not care about what people think of me, but like I said, this is my "thing") When they're having a break down or misbehaving, I feel like people see my age, as weird as that sounds. Oh that poor young girl, doesn't have the skills because she is so young. I know this is all in my head, but I cannot help it. I have also gotten the, ooh "you're so young to be a mom" thing too and that drives me bonkers. As if, because I am young, I am incapable of making the right decisions based upon my own intelligence. People often like to put their two sense in and I often cannot find the polite words to say, thanks but not thanks. 

I am not sure why that's my insecurity. Something that I struggle with personally and hopefully one day will overcome. I'm usually a pretty confident person, so this strikes myself, even as odd. With that being said, I also needed to announce this because I thought maybe others are like myself out there who struggle with this. We chose to be young parents. We wanted to be young with our kids and enjoy ourselves afterwards. There is nothing wrong with that, but sometimes its a struggle that I find hard to overcome. I am getting more comfortable with it as I get older, but like all things, time will help overcome this.

Lost Inspiration...

My last posting was over a month ago. I have been feeling less than inspired to write lately and this is killing me! I enjoy writing; its like a release of tension for myself. I write whatever is going on inside my head, and lately, its been to overwhelmed to put anything down on here...

I am sure that I am not alone when I say this that motherhood is overwhelming in itself. I sometimes feel like I am just above the water, not enough to float comfortably, but enough to keep my head above water. I am at home with the kids all day and am their sole provider more than half of the time. A few weeks ago, I cracked. I will be honest and I cracked. I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I blew my top. I had been taking care of, yet again, two sick kids. My son, who already is very clingy and mommy attached, was at his peak of stalking me. I had been carrying him around in the Ergo carrier all day and I was tired. I couldn't pee alone, let alone sit and enjoy a cup of tea to myself without someone touching me. I didn't feel great myself, with allergies taking over my body, and desperately wanted/needed some assistance. My son, didn't let anyone near him with a 10foot plus pole, with the exception of me and I was going insane. I had a lot of my mind as well with our upcoming move to NY and all the details that surround that and some family issues and I was a my peak.

 I cried...like really, really cried. I was overwhelmed with everything that was going on and just wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep. Crying for me is somewhat of a release; like washing away the mess and starting fresh. I am someone who doesn't just openly express my emotions and usually waits to blow until they all come out like Niagara Falls. I felt better; like much better. I know that I shouldn't fester everything in, but its something that I have done since a child and still, to this day, haven't figured out how to control that.

I have now finally got some inspiration to write again after a little MIA on my behalf. I am excited to write again and also using this as an open, HEY! I am crazy too :) Like my kids, as much as I love them, make me blow too :) I know I am not alone, but for whatever reason, us moms don't like to talk about the hard stuff like this. As if it makes us weak or something. SO, here you go moms...I am not weak, I am strong but have my moments too!